MI AMORE VINCE

June 13,2010_2nd entry

“Two of the hardest tests in life:
The patience to wait for the right moment
…and the courage to accept that you’ve waited for nothing…”

Tama nga siguro…

Hindi ko maintindihan hinahanap-hanap ko pa rin sya,I found my old stuff, and my notes..guess what, I read one page of my journal..it says “bhe di ba naten to pwedeng ayusin, nhihirapan na’ko”, I hate myself so much, I can’t even threw the things that reminds me of him…

I tried to read it agaim but I can’t even give a single glance on it…I’m afraid to feel the hurt, once again…

I met him five years ago; I can still remember everything about him. The last minute that we’ve been together was still lingers on me. It’s still clear on my mind, he was wearing red shirt, pants and the style of his shoes was still painted on my memories… one thing that I won’t forget was he’s the first person who pet on my head (hinawakan ang ulo ko na parang bata..inaalo) I felt like a child, and was my first kiss, even it was just a smack, it happened once, nothing comes next..

Sobrang saya ko nga last year, kasi after 3 years nag’cross pa din landas namen at nagging kami ulit…..Araw2 parang fairytale, everything seems very perfect, sinusunod ko sya ko kahit na magkalayo kame, kahit hindi kami magkasama I assure that I will be faithful to him, kahit nga mga friends ko na let’s say half, or gay gumagawa ako ng distant kasi ayokong nagseselos sya…..pero hindi nya kasi ako maintindihan,,, before our misunderstanding hindi ako maka’text madalas, I’m busy….seriously because of my studies..Nagalit sya nun kasi wala na daw akong oras sa kanya, hindi ako katulad ng Ex-girlfriend nys na kahit busy sya nagtettext at kinakamusta pa rin sya…I can’t blame him, I can’t explain, I’m here in the Philippines and he was staying in Italy along with his family, it won’t work without the presence of both side. What I’ve been thinking on that time was,,, I don’t want to disturb him…he was working on that time, all that I have to do was spending my time in front of the internet and waiting for him, to see if he will be online so that we could chat even just for a while even I got home late waiting for him in computer shop..And when he was online, he always say that he have to go, that he will be late…..all I can say was, ok…it’s fine….though I’m always wanting so much on him…….I love him so much and it’s hard for me to let go….how can you let go something that means everything to you, that makes you happy…how can I let go if I didn’t even know how to forget….I miss him so much

I miss him but it hurts, after three years of waiting we’re back in a relationship for eight months. March 8, 2009,and it last on November 11….he was the one who choose it….until now I can’t regret that I still feel the same, the first time that I’ve seen him….Actually I have written a story about us and was publish in school publisher. I have written it the time he left me one year before.

But I think it is wrong for me to wait…he was committed already. He has a new girlfriend. And I feel that he was happy beside her….he didn’t know what I’ve been going through since the day he left me..it was twice…..But I keep on thinking if my three video songs that I give him was not enough to make him believe that I truly love him, maybe what I am doing was not right……it only shows that I am not enough on him, that I am not the only one that makes him happy and it was definitely a wound and the feeling of rejection……………….

I can be happy…I will try to be happy……………..Even without you...


But here in my heart I am still holding and thinking of you, for I beleive that no matter how far a person is, if you continue thinking of him, probably he will come back. Because if someone is thinking of you, it is a place that you may call as a HOME... I am his home....




I can keep myself forward away from you Vince…the time we met again, I hope that what I feel for you was not the same of what I feel right now…because I will be a looser of my own words.. Only me can take care of myself…

MI AMORE VINCE

June 13,2010_2nd entry

“Two of the hardest tests in life:
The patience to wait for the right moment
…and the courage to accept that you’ve waited for nothing…”
Tama nga siguro…

Hindi ko maintindihan hinahanap-hanap ko pa rin sya,I found my old stuff, and my notes..guess what, I read one page of my journal..it says “bhe di ba naten to pwedeng ayusin, nhihirapan na’ko”, I hate myself so much, I can’t even threw the things that reminds me of him…

I tried to read it agaim but I can’t even give a single glance on it…I’m afraid to feel the hurt, once again…
I met him five years ago; I can still remember everything about him. The last minute that we’ve been together was still lingers on me. It’s still clear on my mind, he was wearing red shirt, pants and the style of his shoes was still painted on my memories… one thing that I won’t forget was he’s the first person who pet on my head (hinawakan ang ulo ko na parang bata..inaalo) I felt like a child, and was my first kiss, even it was just a smack, it happened once, nothing comes next..
Sobrang saya ko nga last year, kasi after 3 years nag’cross pa din landas namen at nagging kami ulit…..Araw2 parang fairytale, everything seems very perfect, sinusunod ko sya ko kahit na magkalayo kame, kahit hindi kami magkasama I assure that I will be faithful to him, kahit nga mga friends ko na let’s say half, or gay gumagawa ako ng distant kasi ayokong nagseselos sya…..pero hindi nya kasi ako maintindihan,,, before our misunderstanding hindi ako maka’text madalas, I’m busy….seriously because of my studies..Nagalit sya nun kasi wala na daw akong oras sa kanya, hindi ako katulad ng Ex-girlfriend nys na kahit busy sya nagtettext at kinakamusta pa rin sya…I can’t blame him, I can’t explain, I’m here in the Philippines and he was staying in Italy along with his family, it won’t work without the presence of both side. What I’ve been thinking on that time was,,, I don’t want to disturb him…he was working on that time, all that I have to do was spending my time in front of the internet and waiting for him, to see if he will be online so that we could chat even just for a while even I got home late waiting for him in computer shop..And when he was online, he always say that he have to go, that he will be late…..all I can say was, ok…it’s fine….though I’m always wanting so much on him…….I love him so much and it’s hard for me to let go….how can you let go something that means everything to you, that makes you happy…how can I let go if I didn’t even know how to forget….I miss him so much.......

I miss him but it hurts, after three years of waiting we’re back in a relationship for eight months. March 8, 2009,and it last on November 11….he was the one who choose it….until now I can’t regret that I still feel the same, the first time that I’ve seen him….Actually I have written a story about us and was publish in school publisher. I have written it the time he left me one year before.

But I think it is wrong for me to wait…he was committed already. He has a new girlfriend. And I feel that he was happy beside her….he didn’t know what I’ve been going through since the day he left me..it was twice…..But I keep on thinking if my three video songs that I give him was not enough to make him believe that I truly love him, maybe what I am doing was not right……it only shows that I am not enough on him, that I am not the only one that makes him happy and it was definitely a wound and the feeling of rejection……………….
I can be happy…I will try to be happy……………..

I can keep myself forward away from you Vince…the time we met again, I hope that what I feel for you was not the same of what I feel right now…because I will be a looser of my own words.. Only me can take care of myself…

Bubbly......

June 13,2010

Disgrasya ang araw na’to sa’ken….hehe

Di ko alam kung dapat ba akong matawa….Syempre maaga pa lang lantutay na’ko kasi madaling araw na’ko natulog tapos inagahan ko ang gising ko para hindi ako mapagalitan. Maririnig mo pa yung kapitbahay mo na madalas nagsisigawan, ganun na talga sila ehhhh…hobby bah….mapabahay at kapit’bahay parehong maiingay..kakarindi….kaya tameme na’ko pag minsan..wag lang aabutin ang limitasyon ko, talagang masabog..wehehe..

Tapos nagawa ko naman ng ayos ang mga gawain ko, pag vacant ako inuutusan ako ng nanay. Napagsampay nya ko ng mga damit nila na nilabhan….damit lang nila kasi hiwalay lagi ang damit ko, ahahhhhh ganun talaga, di ko din alam..tapos 2pm n ata ako naglunch hindi pa’ko nakaka’breakfast…

Ngayong hapon, after ko magtiklop ng mga sinampay, inantok a ko, kaya inihiga ko muna katawwan ko, naiisip ko ang friend ko, naaawa ako taz sad sa kanya, dami kasing nagalit sa kanya dahil lang sa ex-boyfriend nya nai’break nya kasi hindi marunong mag-handle ng relationship.Fr me, di pa sila parehong mature kaya siguro naisip na din ng friend ko na mgbreak na sila, di sila mapanagpo. Isa pa sa kinakagalit sa kanya was the wrong expeculation. Ewan ko..kung kelan magkakalayo na tsaka ini-open nug nagagalit sa kanya yung feelings nya sa friend ko. All I know, naging totoo ang friend ko sa pakikisama, what hurts was hindi pala sila nagin totoo sa friend ko. Madalas pa naman na sa kanya nag’she-share yung friend ko at umiiyak tapos in the end malalaman nya na lang na ganun….I really feel sorry for my friend….nagayon pa na ma’transfer na nga ng school…..Sabi ko na lang sa kanya hayaan mo na lang muna ang mga taong umaalis, isipin mo nalang kung sino yung mga tao na hindi ka iiwan..kahit ako di ko sure kung mag-i-stay ako sa kanya, kasi tulad ng mga good friends ko nung highschool nawawalan na’ko ng time for them, sa part ko lang, hindi ako nakakalimot at nagiging malayo na masama ang loob kasi ang maganda nun pag nagkita masaya di bah………

Anyway andito pa din ako sa bahay, hmmm etoh habang nagluluto ako kanina napso ako ng kawali….tapos ngayong pang-dinner na food, di ko pala nalagyan ng spices ang niluto ko, wala tuloy lasa…before pa nun ha, habang kinikuha ko ng food ang kapatid ko, nakabasag ako ng plate, mejo maliit lang….tapos nasugatan ako sa kamay….pinuntahan ako ng tatay ayun nasabihan na ulit ako,..after nun magpe’prepare nako ng food nila, nakabasag ulit ako for the second time,!!!....yung bulusan ng rice naman…napgalitan na talaga ako, nung kumain pa sila walang lasa ang pagkain…

Talagang puro sablay, tapos hindi na nga ako sumabay, balak mag’ju’juice na lang ako, pagtingin ko naman sa pack yung laman matigas na…..hayyy gutom na din ako, kaya yung chicken na lang ng kapatid ko ang inulam ko, yung tira huh, tapos nung nakain na’ko,after nila makatapos, sabi sa’ken ng nanay bakit daw hindi ko ulamin ang niluto ko na walang lasa….Ang sakit nya magsalita noh?...mainit talaga dugo nya sa’ken kahit kelan, minsan naman okz lang..nilambing nga sya ng tatay kanina, ssbi ba gah ke tay, naku wag mo’ko ganyanin….haykkzzzz galit masyado sa pera, hindi mo naman masisisi….

Hindi na’ko magtataka kung bakit nagiging tahimik na’ko…tapos nawawalan ng gana pag andito sa bahay…..kasi much better pa na wala masyado hindi ako nakaka’gulo sa tahimik nilang life…pag andito kasi ako..kahit san ka tumingin lahat ng mali ako ang may dahilan,,at ako naman nga..hehe…

Kaya nga ini’enjoy ko na lang sarili ko sa panonood ng tv…..napanood ko yung super screw, winner sila sa America’s Best Dance Crew..tapos Iron chef…Filipino sila pareho..think of it?...nakikilala ang Philippines sa mga taong tulad nila…may pag-unlad…bonnggggaaaa,,,

June 12, 2010

Hm eto habang walang ginagawa, I tried na magsulat muna….many days have pass..hanggang ngayon parang lahat ng gagawin ko na mali connected pa din sa pagiging failed ko. I think foour days na din akong pinapagalitan tuwing umaga, I know kasalanan ko kasi di ako gumigising ng maaga, hindi kasi ako makatulog sa kakaisip kung bakit kailangan na dumaan pa ko sa ganito..parang on purpose na nga lahat…pero kahit naman tanghali na akong gumigising, ginagawa ko naman lahat ng housechores..pero alam mo ba na, kapag pinapagalitan nila ako, sinasabi nila na wala akong alam na gawin..walang mangyayari sa’ken kaya ako bumagsak…”hayop”..”lintik”….hindi anak ang tawag…maganda-ganda na atang tawag sa’ken “Bae..” short for babae…Pero hindi naman ako naghihinanakit kung yun man ang itawag nila sa’ken pag nagagalit sila, ang sa’ken lang yung pagkabagsak ko thesis hindi nila kailangan sabihin na nagpabaya ako, hindi naman ako nagkulang. Alam mo..hindi ako nagagalit sa mga naging prof ko, hindi ako marunong magtanim ng sama ng loob, pero sana yung consideration naibigay man lang nila, at yung pagpapadama nila ng humiliation sa student, iba na….aalis ako ng Divine na iba ang tingin sa’ken ng mga naging teachers ko….I can’t please anybody, kung naging ganun man sila, I can’t blame them…Syempre we will not fight if we know that we are wrong, pinapaglaban lang namin yung work na ginawa ng group pero hindi pa din yun worthy sa kanila……It seems na mataas na yung tingin nila sa kanilang sarili at nakakalimutan na kahit paano may pagkakamali din sila….ang mga reason namin hindi yun paninisi na tulad ng kanilang pinapalabas…if they were on our position they would probably do the same….hindi kabagsak’bagsak ang ginawa namen, tulad ng ginawa nilang decision.

At dahil dun parang naging damay na ang life ko dito sa bahay…..iba na yung treat…Aaminin ko na sa’men magkakapatid, ako ang pinakaiba ang treatment, siguro naging busy lang sila nitong huli….Pagdating kasi sa mga kapatid ko na lalaki, madalas nagtatalo pa sila kung bakit hindi nagtetext..at ang nakakatawa pa nga pag umaalis ako ng bahay naagkukusa pa akong mgtex sa knila at ng’we’wait ako ng reply,..”k” lang ang mare’receive mo…tapos nagyon pag nahihirapan sila sa trabaho, ginagawa daw nila yun para sa’ken, yun daw ata ang hindi ko naiintindihan,,,hirap na hirap na daw sila dahil sa’ken para sa pag’aaral ko…napapagod sila dahil sa’ken…Pansin nyo? Lahat2 ng paghihirap nila dahil lang sa’ken, hindi damay ang mga kapatid ko. Hindi nila napansin na pare-pareho lang yung ginastos nila para sa’men, nagkataon lang na mukhang madami kasi ako ang pangtatlo,na tipong lahat ng ginastos nila saken lang lahat napupunta..

Ang masakit pa nga, madalas nyang sinasabi kailan pa ba daw ako makakaisip na tumulong sa kanila..kailan lang ba nakatulong ang mga kuya ko. Ngayon na nakaalis na ang kuya ko agad-agad nila akong paghahanapan…Samantalang tumigil ako ng isang taon kasi magastos ang nautical course ng kuya ko…habang nag’aaral na’ko ng college nakasuporta pa rin sila sa kuya ko kahit tapos na sya ng college.

Tpos pag hihingi ako, magtipid’tipid daw ako kasi sa’ken na lang napupunta lahat ng pera….Ano ba yun? Manyapat ako ang nasa bahay, sa’ken lahat?...i mean hundred perc ent bang sa’ken?

Hayyy…ewan ko ba, hindi ako nagagalit sa kahit na sino, kahit ganito….

Ang sa’ken lang, pag salita na ang ibinabato sa’ken dun ako hindi makapag’control…lalo pag galing sa magulang mo…